Gum Antics
by haveyounomercy
Summary: Francis wants to know why no one likes spearmint. In which there is gum to be sold, German mechanics, the bad friends trio, and Neil Patrick Harris. One-shot, gen. T for Gilbert being inappropriate as always.


A/N: Originally a part of a ficswap with the lovely **sonofon**, I decided to post it on the internet after all. I'm a bit out of hetalia, but I always love writing lighthearted... whatever this is. :'D

Original prompt: "gum, a flashlight, and the kind of day that you weren't sure really happened because it was just so nice / if it's hetalia, it will be about france and prussia, with cameos from poland, germany, and romano"

Warning: derp everywhere.

Bellini: .org/wiki/Bellini_(cocktail)

o~

It wasn't like he liked gum that much in the first place. Some types were too sugary and others tasted like puke and really, Francis didn't really like gum at all. However, he did like girls, and girls liked fresh breath so he tolerated it. One day when he found an old man in front of a grocery store giving out free gum as part of a 'going out of business sale but not really a sale', he looked over it once but did not give it a second thought. Later that evening as he walked past it again, however, a little Asian girl had substituted the old man and looked up at him so sweetly and said: "It's free," and Francis found that he just couldn't refuse. He took the remaining three boxes home and then stacked them on top of each other in his spare guest room. He promptly forgot about them after, since he had a date with his Chardonnay and Neil Patrick Harris and god forbid that he get some time to himself.

Three weeks later, Francis was looking for his bacon-flavoured condoms when he opened his guest room and was faced with a tower of gum. Musing that the tower was almost up to his shoulder and filled with tiny pieces of gum, Francis gave up his search and instead brought with him on his date some gum (it proved to be a good decision: the girl he was with was delightfully charming but she kept on talking about a girl she once knew in Minsk-or was it Geneva, he couldn't quite remember-anyways, they never made it past a fresh tasting kiss which was all rather disappointing).

When he got home, he swirled his wine in his glass and told Neil Patrick Harris that he really had to get rid of the gum. Then he finished the wine, switched off the TV, and wondered where he had put those damned condoms.

o~

When Gilbert was notified that he was to go to Francis's apartment, his first thought was: "Awyeah, I'm getting some tonight." After Francis greeted him normally at the door instead of assaulting him, Gilbert was slightly discouraged but stayed because he was pretty sure that whatever was happening instead of getting laid was also awesome if Francis had needed him to help.

"Look at this," Francis said as he opened the door to the spare room. Gilbert was wary of opening the box on top, thinking it to be either a bomb or an extremely kinky toy, but Francis wasn't drinking any wine so it had to be something regular.

"Holy shit," he said as he opened the box. "That's a lot of gum."

Francis shrugged. "It was free?"

Gilbert took another look inside the opened box and frowned, "Is this all spearmint?"

"I think so," Francis replied, seeing Gilbert's scowl. "What's wrong with spearmint?"

"Nothing." Gilbert shrugged as well. "Except it's for pussies."

Francis was about to mention that he liked spearmint when the doorbell rang and he had to open the door for Antonio. Gilbert once again thought wrongly that this meant they were having a threesome, so he grabbed Antonio's butt and squeezed and was seriously disappointed that all he got in return was a smack on the head.

"I hope you didn't call us over to eat all this gum," Antonio remarked after the situation was explained to him. "Because I really don't like spearmint."

Francis frowned at both of them. "I need you guys here to figure out how I'm supposed to get rid of all this gum. I'm thinking of selling it and then using the money to help poor children in Africa."

(It was a code they established years ago in college: "to help poor kids in Africa" meant "to buy alcohol and cheap porn". It worked for getting chicks and making others feel lowly in their presence.)

They all agreed to share the profit of the sales, and then arranged themselves in the den to make game plans.

Antonio said that they should hold a competition and people would pay to join; it would be awesome and fun and stuff. And the prize would be gum.

"Nobody would want to pay for that prize," Francis said very nicely to a crushed Antonio.

Gilbert said that they should market it as a dick-enhancing gum, and they could dress up in suits and look cool and professional to do it.

"We might get sued, so no." Antonio said just as nicely. After all, he didn't want to hurt Gilbert's feelings. Back in college when he had a mullet, Gilbert had held his hair for him while he threw up. Gilbert was nice.

"Then what should we do?" Gilbert grumbled, obviously disgruntled that he couldn't wear his new suit.

Francis brushed his hair out of his face and stood up from his loveseat to command attention. "I have thought of the best way, _mes amis_. Since we got the gum from a grocery store, we'll send it back to where it came from! We'll sell the gum to a grocery store and revel in our newfound money." When he did not receive the standing ovation he had been expecting, Francis was _almost_ hurt.

"So you want us to be your pack mules and carry it to the grocery store?" Gilbert whined, sprawled on the couch.

"Technically, yes." Francis said. "And take your shoes off of my couch, that's _real_ leather you know."

Antonio, who was being squished into the very corner of the couch by Gilbert's feet, lit up. "Lovi works at a grocery mart on third avenue!" Lovi was Antonio's current lover, boyfriend, and obsession. Gilbert didn't like Lovi very much because now that Antonio was officially whipped and Francis was still popular as heck, he was the most sexually deprived out of the three.

"Let's go then," he grumbled. Then a thought struck him: maybe if they finished this early, he would get lucky that night. This made him jump off the couch, running to the spare room.

Francis, who knew exactly what Gilbert was thinking, merely laughed and knew that it was definitely not happening because as previously mentioned, that couch was _real_ leather and there was no way he was paying for another.

o~

They lost Antonio as soon as they walked in. It was a remarkable feat: the grocery mart was quite small and the aisles were pretty gross but somehow Antonio had zipped off and left them both with his box of gum. Francis and Gilbert then decided that love was a horrible thing and they would always choose bros over hoes. Unless of course that the hoe in question was the lady with the gigantic boobs that worked in 7-11. Then it was every man for himself.

"I am fucking exhausted," Gilbert said as he set his box down as well. "Let's just find the manager and get our money. If Toni doesn't show up in time, I call dibs on his share."

"You can't call dibs on something like that." Francis frowned. "Obviously we are going to split-"

"Like, hello and welcome, you're totally blocking the entrance right now." The blonde uniform-wearing employee's eyes widened as the two in front of him turned around, and Gilbert felt his heart sink. "Oh my _god_, Gilbert?"

"Feliks." Gilbert cringed. "Hey."

Feliks was someone Francis knew by name only, someone he was told was very demanding and very, very annoying. He was also apparently someone that Gilbert dated, past tense being a very important part in that sentence. Dat_ed_.

"Are you the manager here?" Francis asked, begging to Dior that he would say no. He already disliked the other blonde.

"Like, yeah." Feliks replied with a scoff as Francis glared at Gilbert, who was still cringing. "See this badge? Yeah like, that's the power badge. That means I'm in power." Feliks put his hands on his hips and glared judgingly. "So like, can you move out of the entrance?"

Francis was about to smack a bitch when Gilbert stepped in between of them. "Well, it's been really nice catching up with you and all, but we didn't come for that. You wanna buy some gum?" Gilbert smiled crookedly, and not in the sexy way but in the I'm-awfully-uncomfortable way. Just then Feliks wondered what he ever saw in the albino and was glad that he was dating a cute Lithuanian who worked in a porn store. Although that Frenchie was kind of cute.

"Are you saying that you like, want to sell me all that gum?" Feliks raised a beautifully sculpted eyebrow at all the boxes. "Because I don't really need it."

Francis opened his box and smiled the sexy crooked smile. "It's spearmint, don't you like spearmint?"

Feliks's eyes widened. "I love spearmint!"

"I told you so," murmured Gilbert. "Pussies."

"I'll take it," Feliks said after deliberating for all of ten seconds. "Since you're not actually a licensed seller I can't like pay you money but hey, have some free champagne."

Gilbert and Francis looked at each other and decided that it would have to do.

After one more look around for Antonio, Francis and Gilbert armed themselves with three bottles of champagne and left for home. Gilbert wanted to stop by the porn store, but Francis was officially tuckered out and besides, the champagne would get warm.

o~

Gilbert, to his credit, said he was too manly to drink champagne. He felt like Francis's date or something except it was still in the afternoon and he had pretty much given up on getting any sex out of the blonde. This only made Francis want to make him angrier, so Francis took away Gilbert's glass and poured it down the sink. When met with angry screams, Francis only smirked. "Don't worry _cheri_, I'm going to make you something better."

"It better be fucking over the moon." Gilbert sprawled on the couch again and sighed.

"Take your feet off my couch," Francis said absentmindedly as he opened his fridge. A few minutes and several suspicious noises later, he called Gilbert into the kitchen again.

"It's a Bellini," Francis explained at Gilbert's disgusted look. "It is a sophisticated drink and I like it very much."

"I want _beer_," groaned Gilbert.

Francis pushed the glass over and stared. "You want to go back to Feliks and tell him that?"

Gilbert drank the Bellini.

o~

The power went out at roughly six in the evening. It was 'roughly' because the last time Francis had checked the clock on the oven, it had been about five minutes after six. But that oven was seven minutes fast, and the power went out about ten minutes after Francis checked. So when the mechanic asked what time it happened, Francis shrugged and said roughly six pm.

"I will be over there in ten minutes," the mechanic replied over the phone.

"What if you're not? What if you're actually here in thirty minutes and I didn't know, I wouldn't ever know because the power is out and I can't tell the time?" Francis, having finished six Bellini's, asked very seriously.

The mechanic hung up.

o~

The mechanic was a very tall German. He was just intimidating enough for Gilbert and Francis to know not to hit on him, but not so terrifying that they didn't tease him and make fun of his accent.

"Put ze powah back on!" Gilbert giggled, hovering over the German.

"Please stop talking to me," Ludwig the mechanic replied sternly. He then turned around and fixed Francis with a glare. "And you, stop waving the flashlight around. I need the light to work."

Francis, who had been using the flashlight as his metaphorical penis, only laughed. "Why are you in such a rush, Ludwig the mechanic? Have a Bellini with us!"

The lights turned back on, and Ludwig stood up quickly. Pausing to glare down at the two men, he casually pushed Gilbert out of his way. "You may keep the flashlight," he told Francis on his way out after collecting his smaller-that-supposed-to-be tip.

"I wonder how many flashlights I can fit in my mouth?" Gilbert asked as the door slammed closed.

Francis, in a moment of soberness, frowned. "Don't try it."

o~

The next morning, Francis woke up to find Gilbert drooling on his real leather couch.

Gilbert dreamed of flashlights and threesomes and scary mechanics named Beethoven.

Antonio came back, saying that Lovi had apparently kicked him out.

"I like spearmint." Francis declared, and the other two tackled him to the ground.

It was the kind of moment that all three were glad to have each other.


End file.
